The Mother You Become — Becoming a mother

Becoming a Mother — The Emotional Reality No One Can Fully Prepare You For

In Episode 1 of The Mother You Become mini-series, I sit down with Fionnuala for a really honest conversation about the early days of motherhood — the shock, the identity shift, the emotional rollercoaster, the overwhelm… and the love that completely changes you.

We talk about what it actually felt like bringing our babies home, the pressure so many women quietly carry, and the parts of motherhood that nobody can fully prepare you for.

This episode isn’t about having all the answers.
It’s just two women reflecting honestly on one of the biggest transitions of our lives 🤍

In this episode we talk about:
– the emotional shock of becoming a mother
– postpartum emotions and identity shifts
– the pressure to “get it right”
– support, self-care and survival in the early weeks
– learning to trust your own intuition
– the beauty and complexity of early motherhood

If you’re in this season now, preparing for motherhood, or reflecting on your own experience, I hope this episode makes you feel seen ✨

Christina x

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to the Mothering Project. I am so happy to be back again. Have a beautiful person I'm about to introduce and we decided that we're gonna do a mini-series. In that it's all about the stages of motherhood because if you've followed along, I am obviously in the other end of it where I'm you know, I have a seven and uh four-year-old, almost four-year-old, and uh the guest has a newborn, not so much a newborn, actually one now. And I just thought it would be really good because we've been having the conversations around all the different stages and what people don't really talk about and all the things that surprised us. So without further ado, I am going to introduce Fanila Wiley, who's over in Ireland um and relocated. Uh, I've had Fanula on many of my podcasts. She's been on twice, and now we've decided to do a mini-series together. Um, and I thought no better woman. So welcome Fanula.

SPEAKER_00 0:55

Thank you so much for having me back, Tina. Um, it feels great to be kind of part of the furniture of the podcast right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Yeah, you're a returning guest. Um, I think we joked about this before. You've been people have requested back. How is Fanula getting on in Ireland? Like they've all really invested in your relocation. Fanula, I wanted to touch on the first pod, and we've broken it into four different stages. Okay, so the first one we've decided, and I think that's a really special part because obviously we build ourselves up for it and we read the books, and nobody can prepare you for the first time that you hold your baby or you know, then coming weeks after the baby. What was the biggest shock for you when you held your little nugget for the first time and when you went into then early stages?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Well, when I held her for the first time, I even though you like fully know that you're pregnant and you're having a baby as you are pregnant, I don't know if it fully lands in your reality until that moment comes when you actually hold eye contact with your baby and they're in your arms and you realise, my goodness, I have actually grown a human and I'm a mother now, and this little precious bundle is mine. And I was in complete shock when Eva was born. And I've heard quite a few people talk about this since like there was so much shock whenever that moment happened for me. Like, I didn't feel an overwhelming emotion straight away. I was in the my god, I can't believe that. I think firstly that I just gave birth and that they come out of you.

SPEAKER_01 2:29

It's like what?

SPEAKER_00 2:31

Yeah, there's a baby with me and she's mine, and yeah, that was definitely the initial first shock, and the emotions, of course, came after that, but not immediately in the way that I thought that they would. I think there was definitely a moment of shock that happened first, and I would love to hear your experience of that too, because I know everyone's journey is different, and there was lots of other moments of um, I suppose just huge transition in those early, early days and moments of your whole life is just so different, and there's so much love and there's so much beauty, and there's also I think for me anyway, in those first like few weeks, holy shit, like my life is never going to look the same again. Um, I am like fully devoted to this beautiful little human. And what did I used to do with my time?

SPEAKER_01 3:21

I think everyone talks about that. I even say it now. I'm like, Jesus, we've laughed around. Like, what the hell? We really wasted time before kids 100%. I love that because I think um for me when I was listening to that, I had two very different experiences. So with O'Sheen, it was like this it was an induction, and so it wasn't, you know, like he just didn't want to come out. And I reckon, you know, if he got the opportunity, he'd probably crawl back in at this stage of his life as well at six. But he he came with the core direct around his neck, so I didn't get that initial time with him. I'd had to go down to the NICU to see him, so I didn't have that one one-on-one kind of skin time. It was still like when I saw him, I'll always remember the love that you feel for them. But like I remember he was in the NICU ward and he was a 4.1 kilo baby. And there was all these tiny little babies that were like 600 grams, and he's like this monster inside there with the like the biggest nit control looking back at me, going, Where's the milk? And it was just such a funny experience, you know. Like, we were like, Oh my god, he's massive in comparison to these babies. Um and then Maggie, I had that exact feeling of like she came out and I was just like, Oh my god, and we had two names, we had Evie and Maggie picked out, and we both just looked at each other and we were like, she is such a Maggie. She just had that cheekiness, and you know, she lay up on top of me and she got on my boob and took the milk straight away. It was just a total different experience. Yeah, the love. I I don't even know if you could ever even bottle it up, wouldn't it be nice? Like it's just that feeling of like that bubble.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

And was there anything that really shocked you in those first few weeks?

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Time, the actual feeling. The um I always remember one of my really good friends saying, Oh, wait till you have the first shower. And I was like, I could not wait for this first shower after Russian. Like, could not wait for the first shower. And I swear to God, I I still remember it. I think my husband is traumatized, I'm traumatized. Um it was not the best thing. I was just like, give me the toast, give me the tea that everyone's talking about. Um the thing I think that shocked me was when we had to bring him home from the hospital. We're bringing this human all the way home with us, like and in the car. And we drove at about 40 kilometers an hour, and I'm like, what do we do with him now? Yeah, who's gonna like you know, wrap him up? I remember when the midwife was like, give me him, you know, when they were trying to swaddle him, and I was like, I have no idea. Um yeah, it was just shock. I think it was an initial shock. That's all I could even probably bring it down to. Beautiful but shock.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

Yeah, so much responsibility is just handed into your arms, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Yeah. And do you think you felt prepared? Like or what way did you feel? Because obviously you had your Bob here and Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:07

Um I felt prepared for birth. Um not that you can ever fully prepare yourself for birth, because of course you can prepare as much as you can, and then there's karmic things that can happen and all of that. And yeah, I did quite a lot of work to prepare myself for that aspect of my journey. I did a lot of work to prepare my business, and I think that I kind of just thought, like, I'll just figure the baby stuff out when it happens. And I remember one of my friends saying to me, like, do a little bit of preparation for postpartum. I remember I did like a breastfeeding course and I did like a little bit, but same as you, like, had no idea how to swaddle. There were so many things I was like, why did I not spend time learning about this before she arrived? Like the things that are actually going to be my day-to-day life, why did I not find out some more information? But I think that nothing can really prepare you for any of that anyway, because every baby is so different. And the thing that I actually found in those beginning few months was, you know, you're so vulnerable in the beginning because you don't know how to swaddle and you don't know how to breastfeed, and you, you know, your baby's changing all of the time, and you don't know how to get them to sleep in their way that they like, and all of those things. So, so many people like love to give you advice, which is amazing. But the thing that I really learned in those first few weeks was the more I can just drown all of that out, the better. Like the more I can just tune in to my intuition, to my own like innate mother's wisdom that we all have within us, the better. Um, of course, there are practical things that might have been useful, like how the hell do you swaddle? But um, I don't think anything can ever truly prepare you because even if you've like there was women in my mother's group who had been nannies their whole lives, like being around babies and being with babies from the very beginning as well with families, and just said like it didn't prepare me in any way whatsoever because you have your own hormones mixed into all of that and your own emotions, and you might know, like, oh, I was trained to sleep train this way or whatever, or a baby should respond this way, but they just don't, they just do their own thing anyway. And when you're attuned to them, it feels more challenging, I think, to follow those like specific rules that might work, you know, if you are nonny in or something. Yeah, even though I maybe feel like in ways I didn't prepare enough, I don't think any could anything could have ever prepared me. What about you?

SPEAKER_01 8:34

And I think this is exactly well, you were nodding as you can see the whole way through that, because yeah, we prepare for the birth and we go to the birth classes and then we do all this shit, and then we go and we get the lovely prams and the cots and the sheets, and then it's like, but nobody's actually talking about your emotions afterwards, like the crashing hormones afterwards, the piles that you get afterwards, the you know, all the lovely things that come up with birth. You know, anytime I haven't talked to anyone now, I'm like, make sure you bring that gel with you, bring some magnesium powder, you know, like all them staples that you really do need. That like what shocked me, I think, the most in hospitals is they give you white bread and they give you all this like crappy food. Um, because I was in the public hospital. I know in privates you get your own menu. That was not the case for me. But like, I'm like, how do you expect people then to repair themselves if we're eating this food? Like, I just don't understand. And the midwife's used to laugh at me and they're like, just get your husband's bringing in some, you know, decent stuff. But um, you know, there was not even a scratch of vegetables, and I always just laughed in that moment because I was like, How are you going to get better here? But yes, as you say, it's kind of them moments of oh my god, how are we gonna get him to sleep now? Like, or who's gonna time this person this baby? Like, because this book that we looked at or that podcast that we listened to said the baby should sleep for four to five minute windows, or whatever it is, do you know what I mean? Um that did not. That did not work out with either of my kids who they didn't follow the rule books of the person that read that sleep book. But yeah. What do you think? I suppose emotionally sorry, Philin, there's a bit of a little delay.

SPEAKER_00 10:08

I was just gonna say it's okay what you mentioned there about um the or so true what you mentioned there about the mother inside of it all as well. Like I think that so much of that is not considered in any way. Like, we don't think about the fact that you have just gone through one of the most physically challenging things that your body will ever do, regardless of what happens in your birth. And there is so much recovery inside of that as well. That happens wife to now also have a newborn baby, and the level of support that your physical body needs, as well as your emotions and tend into all of that, yeah. That was something that I wasn't entirely prepared for either. Something that I just love that you're opening the door to this conversation because I think that we don't really talk about it enough, um, because everybody is so focused on the baby once the baby's here, and all that is so beautiful, and of course, and it's so magic. But also, like if you have a friend who's about to have a baby or um someone that you love in your life, just remember that they've gone through the most humongous experience of their life as well, and they need hell just as much as the baby does.

SPEAKER_01 11:17

They need the hug, I know, because I've had you know, I had friends when I had Oshane and Maggie, but I vividly remember the ones that would come in and go, sit down. I'm not here for you to make me tea, I'm making tea. What do you need? And like they'd be up and they'd be bringing pastries and bringing you over coffee. And you know, at the time my sister came over and we used to sit and watch daytime TV while I breastfeed fed, and she'd have like coffee beside me and raised and toast and all the snacks. You know, that's what you do need because like you were so exhausted, like the actual level of exhaustion is you know, I can still feel it in my bones now. Um and that was kind of leading me into the next question for the like emotionally and physically. So, like there's two different ways. Obviously, you're repairing after having your birth or having your baby and going through the birth, but like emotionally were you prepared, or how did you manage the did the hormone surges affect you in any way?

SPEAKER_00 12:07

For me personally, I didn't have like that huge crash that they talk about. What is it like day two or day three? I was expecting to like cry all day and kind of like gear myself up for that, but that didn't happen for me. I don't know if it was because I was breastfeeding or why that didn't happen for me, but it definitely came for me in waves. Like I remember there was like certain moments, and I think it's like hormones mixed with sleep deprivation. I remember one particular moment where my husband was like told me he would be home at I don't know what time it was, let's say five o'clock, and he came home and I think it was like 20 past five because he literally went and dug run round the pitch before he landed back in the house and he got back and I just started to cry. And I was like, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm so annoyed that you're not home when you said you would be home. Like I just was so ready. I think I just had it in my head like I really want to go for a walk once he gets home, just you know, have a little bit of time for myself. And in those early days, like your baby needs you constantly, really. And so, you know, like there is a big difference between five and twenty past five, but I look back at those little moments and I'm like, oh my goodness, like my hormones were just everywhere. And I was just adjusting to the fact that I didn't have the freedom that I used to have anymore. So there were definitely moments where I um definitely could feel my hormones um playing out with me. I just think that you go through like so many different stages of like you're so filled with love that you've never experienced before. Then you're also filled with like the grief of your life looking so different from what it looked like before. Like there's such a like mix of feelings and emotions that are all playing out kind of together and simultaneously, which of course can kind of feel like a roller coaster at times because there is like so much of it, it's almost almost like all of your feelings are amplified. Um, and I can't speak for anyone else, but that's definitely what it was like for me in moments. How about you?

SPEAKER_01 14:13

Yeah, I think um when you were saying that about your hobby, I had so much resentment some days where I was like, I can't believe you get to go out to work and I have to sit here. And I think we I had a bit of a different time because it was like COVID started to happen, I think, around when Oshin was born. And then we had the smoke and fires, and I love being outside and walking, but like because then they were warning you not to go outside and walk because it was so hot and there was all that bur, you know, remember the back burning and stuff that they used to do. So I had a bit of a different time. Like I used to be in the house and I'm not a house creature, like I'm out and about and I'm you know going for walks and I'm not someone that can sit in all day every day. And it used to like only used to come home and I'd be like some kind of crazy person, like I need to just get out. And like that, if he was like two minutes late, I'm like, Where were you? You said you were coming home. Um, just because like I had nothing else, like I had nothing else here in terms of stimulation because the baby obviously you're feeding it and you're nurturing it and you're doing all these beautiful things for them, but uh they're not telling you how good you are. Like, so you've left you know, you've left your job, they're not doing what you've asked them to do, like they're not as compliant as people in the corporate world. Um, they're not sleeping when you're asking them to sleep. They're you know spitting the food that you spent four hours in the kitchen puring back at you. So it was different, like it was definitely a huge adjustment for me emotionally, like a massive adjustment because I was used to being busy, busy, busy and wasn't like actually busying myself. So, you know, in the in the workplace and whatever. And then when you stop, I just felt that like the first three or four months, I think it was great. And then after that, I was like, Okay, so what what do we do now? Because like everything kind of stopped here, you know, like you couldn't go to any of them the baby gatherings, like the mothers' groups and stuff for a while. Even when I was gone, I remember like woking up to the one of them, crying my eyes out one time, going, I don't want to go up here. And I I know that it was the best thing for me to do because actually meeting people is great for you in that scenario, but um it's the sleep deprivation, like it's a killer. It completely the hormones crash, and then you're not getting sleep because you know they're attached to your boob all night. Ocean was like a monster for the booby. So, you know, you do like you I don't think anyone ever and then I always remember when you'd meet people, they'd say, How are you? And you're like, Yeah, I'm great. And you're like, I'm after I'm not like I'm absolutely like wreck tired and yeah, I never was honest. And I think that's why part of me wants to just have this honest conversation on a podcast for mums that are about to have a baby or that will be in this stage because there is days where it's not all sunshine, sunshine and roses, and some days are beautiful in a lovely bubble.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Yeah, absolutely. And it's funny, even whenever you were talking there, it kind of like brought me back to certain points of those early days for me too that I think I kind of forgot about, honestly. Like even the resentment that you mentioned and things, like I definitely remember that feeling too of you know, of course, your husband's life changes too and it shifts and hopefully evolves. And he's on the same um kind of path of what he wants your family life to look like in some way, but it does go back to normal for them to some extent, like quite quickly, they're back to work, and you know, they can go and do their things before work or after work or whatever. And for a mums, especially in those first few months, like you there's so much sacrifice in um bringing a baby into the world, and it can't really be any other way because they just want you, and that's of course mother nature, but um yeah, it definitely can come with that feeling of you've got your old life back, and I'm never getting mine back now. And something that I'd also like to share inside of that is it's not like it is in the beginning forever. Like, I remember those first few weeks, and like, is this my life now? Like, am I literally just gonna be a mummy and that's it now? Like, you know, because it felt like at that stage, like 24 hours a day, but you do start to get like time back to go and do things for you and go back to work and do things that you love, it kind of make you feel like those parts of yourself as well. But yeah, in the beginning it is so full on. Like a newborn just wants to be if they could just be clung to you all day, that's they would be so happy. Well, Eva was like that anyway.

SPEAKER_01 18:25

And did you watch much TV? I remember like just getting into like real daytime trashy TV. I think I watched Yummy Mummies and all these like programs where I'm like, just stay on there for a little bit. I'm nearly finished this program. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

Yeah, it was definitely yeah, the TV was on more than ever whenever Eva was small. I'm not much of a TV girly. I wish I was able to like sit and watch TV more. I definitely like listened to loads of podcasts and things back then, but there was so much time on the sofa, especially when your body is recovering. And for the first, I think like four months, Eva did not go in the prom. She I discovered I I can't remember how many weeks in, it must have been like two or three weeks in how much she loved the carrier. So I remember like the first couple of weeks, rarely like actually left the house because she just every time I put her in the prom, she just didn't want to be in it. So yeah, there was lots of time on the sofa, and which is great.

SPEAKER_01 19:20

Yeah, but that's what you're that's what you need to do. That's what you do need to do. I was gonna say it. Um we're coming to the end of this particular pod. I'd love to speak to the um I'd love if we could, or you could first of all, and maybe I can give some advice afterwards. But what would you if you were sitting with a mom now and she was about to become a mom, and what kind of advice would you give her? Like what would you kind of what wisdom would you part with her before she birthed the Baba?

SPEAKER_00 19:47

I think I would definitely share that last piece that I just shared around just expect that your newborn baby is going to want to be on you all the time. And I think the more you can kind of surrender to that and know and trust that that is just a season, the easier your life will become because especially with social media now, like there is so much that your algorithm is feeding you around how to get your baby down and how to get your baby to sleep and how to, you know, almost like create um individuation or allow them to become an independent person from like literally the moment they're born. And I think that if I was to go back in time and just like revisit what that was like for me, feeling like my baby doesn't want to do any of these things to just like know that that is so normal and that that is kind of like how it's meant to be, and that's just mother nature, and it's not something that means that there's anything wrong or anything that you need to fix and like enjoy that bubble of all the cuddles and the snuggles and the lying up and the letting your body slow down and recover because it's just a season, and I think as well, if I was talking to a mother and that like about to become a mum, something that is really great to lean into is just looking at the ways that you can allow yourself to be supported and really allowing yourself to ask for that and call that in and let people look after you and do things for you, maybe in a way that you have never allowed yourself to be supported in that way before. Um, it's all so needed, um, so helpful, and sometimes people don't know how to help you, and you really need to like ask them and let them know what is actually helpful. Um, like no judgment around that because I look back at before I had a baby and I used to go and visit some of my friends, and I'm like, oh my god, what was I doing? Sitting there for hours and holding her baby when there were so many things that I could have been doing to actually help. Um, and so someone just like genuinely literally doesn't know. And so, yeah, if you can really allow yourself to just like use your voice and look at the ways that you can really be helped and supported in that season, because yeah, you're a better. To go through just a whole new chapter and inside of that too, just remembering that it is just a season and it'll change and it'll evolve and you will return to yourself in definitely a brand new way that you haven't experienced yourself before, but it won't always feel like it does in the beginning weeks in terms of like the level of showing up for your baby that you do. How about you?

SPEAKER_01 22:22

I think that's so beautiful actually, because everything you've said, especially the support one I was talking I was thinking of mentioning because I didn't allow it, I didn't ask for it. And like that, it was like if someone would say, Is there anything I can bring? I'd be like, No. But if I actually had my time back now, I'd be like bringing big lasagna or loads of snacks or things that I can eat with one hand, because I remember that intense hunger and I wasn't prepared for that. I was at home flapping around, you know, before O Shin was born. I didn't prepare the meals in the freezer like probably some people had recommended. Um just allowing yourself some giving yourself some grace so that if there is them days where you are feeling quite low, um, that it will pass. Like it's just literally your hormones, like there's such a sore surge going on in your body that you're never gonna have. You know, you'll you'll just feel it and you'll just have to go through it, but it will pass. And if it doesn't, obviously seek help because you know sometimes that's needed too. I've loved having that chat. I feel like I've been brought back and um yeah, back to the newborn days. I see newborns now all the time, and I'm like, oh my god, that was so cute. And I'm like, was it? Um, but yeah. It was always a special time. Thanks, Fanula.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

Thank you. Bye.